Jumat, 02 Agustus 2013

The truth is, I'm scared.

Doesn't everyone? This world is one hell of a scary place. I feel like I can't keep up with how fast my life is going right now. Believe it or not, it's already the last year of high school for me. Everything is about to change in a blink of an eye. I know, I'm still so young, but I can't help but think that I have to be mature soon. I'm a teenager, for crying out loud. Half of me is still a kid, and the other half is a forced adult waiting to be cracked.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to go off to college and live alone. I'm not ready to leave home and my family. I'm a total wimp at heart, I know, but just the thought of the future really scares me. My mom and dad keep on talking me into going to this great school in Japan called the Asia Pacific University. Some of you may know it, it's an amaaaazing school. Not kidding, I've been there, and I kind of liked it. But it's definitely out of my comfort zone. Jakarta is my comfort zone. I don't know if I'm ready to break out of that. And the worst part is, I only have less than a year to figure that out. To figure everything out. To find out who I really am, what I want, what I need to do to get there. It's just too much. The pressure, the process, the breakdowns. I can't take it.

Maybe it's because I've spent my life being safe. I never do anything challenging. I always seek for the safe spot, where I feel okay. I guess it's human to feel that way, but it makes me weak. I have no one else to blame on that one but myself. I know, I know, I shouldn't over-think about it and just do it. But then again, that's the thing! What if I can't do it? What if I break down in the middle of it? What if I won't get anything out of it? All the 'what if's are killing me.

I keep thinking how this time next year, I'll be in a completely different place as I am right now. Maybe I'll be in Japan, maybe I'll join my sister in Canada, maybe I'll get accepted to the University of Indonesia and end up staying home instead, maybe I'll be surrounded by a completely different groups of people, or even the same, I don't know. Endless maybe(s).

This post is so random, yeah. And I don't know how to end it. I feel pressured to end it positively, but nope, I got nothing. I just need to let it all out. I don't know who to tell this to, and assuming nobody reads my lame page anyway, I'm actually just talking to myself. But whatever, at least it's a release for me.
Cheers! Xo.

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