Minggu, 31 Maret 2013

The Angel And The Devil Of The Mind

Oh hi. It's been more than a year since I last posted something in this lame page. Too lazy to log in. But since I'm logged on now, I need to pour my heart out. I know this is a blog and it's opened for everyone to see, but whatever. Here goes...

I have two voices inside my head that always tells me one thing, and then another. Like they're going against each other. I think it has a term in which I believe is called an angel and a devil. Seriously, they're annoying. They can't shut up. And no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of them. They keep telling me what and what not to do. I feel like my life is at its stake. My life; it ain't a movie, nor a book (especially fairy tales or romance fictions). It kinda sucks, to be honest. They all say, "God is the author of your life." Yeah, well, I've seen J.K. Rowling and Suzanne Collins do better jobs. Although it's not fair for me to say, since God created J.K. Rowling and Suzanne Collins and other amazing authors out there. Sorry, God, you know I love you. I love you SO much. It's just that......at this point, everything seems so unfair. I know I should be grateful, but weighing myself down doesn't help. Anywaaay, I have never experienced "spontaneous" or "fun" or "love" or "adventures" or "magic" moments like those in movies. I want that. I want that like crazy. My life summarized in one word? Sad. I mean, I'm happy. But not with my life. I guess I'm happy with the idea of living like this. With food provided, warm beds, a roof over my head, without doing or sacrificing anything. I guess I'm just scared. I really am a wimp. I've never seen or met anyone weaker than myself. God, I'm a horrible person. I dream of a perfect life filled with spontaneity, fun, love, adventures, and magic, yet I never seem to do anything to change the fact that my life sucks. All this time I think I'm not old or wise enough to be able to do what I want, which costs money, of course. All I've done is wait, wait, and wait. I can't wait to get older and live in an apartment in LA and maybe found the perfect guy and found a job and lead a happy life. Well, guess what, self? It won't happen unless you do something about it. If there's one thing I've learned in life, is that if you don't like what you are, where you are, how you are, then change yourself. Take a long, deep look in the mirror, and reflect what you want, and actually do it. Put aside all your fears and just go for it. You never know unless you try. And trust me, there's nothing worse than wasting your precious time in life wondering what if and what might could've been, and blaming yourself for what did and didn't happen.

See what I mean? This is the perfect example of my confusion. Re-read this post and examine it. At first I started all negative and filled with self-pity, and ended the paragraph with a sudden positive outlook on life. THAT is what exactly goes on inside my head. Like one minute I can be a pessimist, and an optimist the next. I seriously don't understand a thing about my life anymore. But I do want to change it. And believe me when I say that I'm still trying, and it takes time. God, I'm so weird.
Cheers! Xo.

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